Increase in Potential Effectiveness of Really Big and Really Bad Apocalyptic Adjectives Coinciding with Recent Developments in Physics.
By John O'Keefe-Odom
Recent developments with the Hadron Super-Collider at CERN may have saved political commentators from crushing deficits in apocalyptic adjectives, experts say.
Swiss and French scientists were finally able to turn the large machine "on," prompting an immediate work shutdown and 14 day celebration vacation in the Canary Islands.
Dr. Lisa Straight-Teeth, one of three good looking women with an actual Physics degree from an American Ivy League University, was interviewed on PBS about the situation.
"One of the things we're learning," she said, "is that if we can create and sustain a black hole here on Earth, then political commentators can accuse others of even greater mistakes."
"It's got insult potential like they've never before imagined," she said.
Another commentator tried to say something on the program, but no one was really interested in looking at him. The camera went back to Dr. Straight-Teeth.
"Now is the time for politicians to finally gain something from Science class. It may lead to funding for more smart stuff that doesn't necessarily blow people up. Insults are the new frontier, when it comes to getting politicians to pay for something."
She then said something profound and smart, but no one was able to understand it. We were too busy remembering the other two good looking female physicists who had been on PBS documentaries.
"It's a good thing they were able to get that supercollider working," said Marten T. Brown, UHF Channel 60 political commentator, "we were starting to have to re-use some of the descriptive modifiers from the Spanish Inquisition."
With recent under-performance in outrageous condemnations, political groups have been struggling to adequately vilify their opponents. Vast conspiracies were having trouble distinguishing themselves.
"We've been trying to make ourselves look as large as possible," said Green Party expert describer Morten T. Sorensen. "It's been nearly impossible for us to look bigger than we are, what with the side-stepping of Howard Dean and the inappropriate seizure of really great hyperbole by the Tea Baggers."
Decline in Tea Party Apocalyptic Adjective Effectiveness
"It's a socialist plot," said Harold T. Sorensen (no relation), of Tea Bag Special Interest Manipulating Consultants, Incorporated. "They've been trying to keep the American people from seeing the truth. The truth is, everyone has a right to cloak their neighbor in doomsday slander."
"I'd like to step in here and shake 'em up a little," said Democratic commentator Ms. Orville B. Townsend.
"We've been trying to cover up our lack of apocalyptic adjectives with lots of footnotes and bibliographic citations," she said. "The Tea Baggers have sucked up the cutting edge insults about unimaginable quantities. It's probably from their hiring of political consultant word marketers."
"That, in itself, is another case of a fake grass roots organization perpetrated by right wing conspiracies," she said. "We all know that Tea Bag Consultants has been funded for years by the Republican Lunch Money Pool."
Decline in Republican Apocalyptic Adjective Effectiveness.
Republican Lunch Money Pool spokesmen declined to comment, as they had not yet received permission from Argument Entertainment News executives in Australia to say anything that was not covered in this morning's talking points email.
"One guy did comment on something last week," said an anonymous source, close to The Cubicle, a nationwide condensed buzzword source publication that generates the Official Answer for All Republicans. "We had to fire him. We can't have people helping us to promote freedom by acting independently. It might accidentally suck up another hyperbolic modifier, and then we would have wasted blood and treasure on a minor issue."
"There's only one way to control our people," he said, "and that's through reigning in their paychecks. We have to spend our remaining apocalyptic adjectives on making up for the political losses of the last Presidential campaign, which set our coffers back a fair amount.
"Those candidates are still having to act outrageous and embarrass themselves on TV in order to pay off those bills they generated by losing the last election."
"Hopefully, that will stop before the next campaign starts," he said, although he admitted later, off the record of off-record comments that "things look dismal without at least two more major embarrassments and five firings before the mid-term elections."
"And no, we don't have a good way to describe the real badness of it now, either," he said.
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Orville T. Harold, FermiLab coordinator for the use of really big words to describe really big stuff, said that for years their own supercollider has been working just fine.
"Our real problem has been trying to find a way to pay for the thing," he said. "We can't keep it turned on if politicians strangle the budget. Maybe they didn't realize that this thing generates really big, horrifying words that can insult others with high school cafeteria efficiency."
FermiLab is the US's leading stockpile of under-used and under-funded equipment operated by really smart people. It was a leading generator of shocking words about really big and really small stuff in the 1980s. It's been on the decline since the Reagan administration defeated the Soviet Union in the really bad words to describe unimaginably horrific futures race.
"We just can't find a politician who's passed freshman college science classes who also won't want to strategically block his opponents' access to really big words," Harold said.
"It's a lose-lose-win-lose situation," he said.
We asked him about the implications, but declined to comment, as he didn't want to have to borrow a word from the Swiss. "The interest rates on adjective bailouts are just too high," he said.
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